I know you
by Ldinka
Summary: Everybody needs a family Fighting, drinking, hurting. HS slash


**I Know  
**

Content Warning: Rough language

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters from the show. They belong to CBS and Mr. Bruckheimer.

A/N: That some kind of stream of consciousness so it is a little bit illogical. Fandom: CSI:Miami

**Beta:** Donna Costello you are the best

**  
Dedicated to Marsel (a friend of mine)**

**Horatio's POV**

"Beg your pardon?" – asked Tim narrowing his eyes.

" I'm getting married", - I repeated but less challengingly this time. I began feeling some uncertainty, but gave it up at once.

"B-but why? And w-what about me?" – Tim askedshocked. He was looking at me as if I had just stuck a knife in his back. I did actually –that was my conscience, which had finallywoken up. Shut up!

"What about you? You don't understand! You're good looking man; you'll find somebody else rather quickly. And I am getting old, Tim. I want to have kids. I want to have a loving family".

"A family?" - Tim was literally yelling at me, - "I thought you already had a family".

"No, you don't get it. A real family".

"And what about us?" – Tim asked.

"What about us? We're just fucking. You don't know me, I don't know you. That's not a family".

"Just fucking? I don't know you?" – Tim exclaimed with indignation, - "Yeah, you're right. But ya know what - you're not just simply don't know me. You don't WANT to know me. And I…" - Tim just shook his head, - "I just started to… I don't know… to love you? But that's good that this happening… before my… my body and my mind become aware of this once and for all… get accustomed to this feeling… I can stop now… can end this falling," – Tim trailed off, lost for words.

I listened to him in amazement. What was he talking about? Was he serious? And then he just lapsed into silence. He just looked at his feet and rubbed his temples as if he had headache.

"That's it", - Tim drew himself up abruptly and looked into my eyes, - "I hope you'll be happy", – He turned and moved towards the door.

"Wait, where're you going?" - I asked his back.

"To put in an application for transfer!" – The door slammed behind him. A moment later I heard the roar of his Ducati. And then everything went silent. I wanted to go out and slam the door too. So I did. I found myself facing the ocean. I needed to think. I felt so sad and lonely. That's why I needed a family. To not be lonely. I could have come to them, tell them everything and they would have understood. I sat down on the sand. "I don't know him, I don't wanna know him!" That's gibberish! I know him. I know you, Tim.

I know you like reading.

I know you like your job.

I know you're sarcastic, but you're kind and compassionate.

I know you like watching the stars and listen to the ocean.

I know you like speeding your Ducati so even the clouds are left behind.

I know you like to sleep with open windows, so the night wind could wander about your naked torso.

I know you like being touched and kissed and embraced. But I know you feel shy of such desires.

I know you kick in your sleep.

I know you like feeling my breath on the back of your neck.

I know you like to be alone, but you hate feeling lonely.

I know your soft and tender lips.

I know your strong and sensitive hands.

I can see every emotion that reflects in your beautiful eyes.

I know nothing about your past or your family, but – OH, God – it doesn't matter!

You know about mine neither. And it really doesn't matter.

I know I can tell you anything and you WILL understand.

Oh, what I have done, Tim, I'm sorry.

You are my family, I need you.

I know I need you. But now… I'm not sure if you need me.

He wanted to cry and he cried. 'What am I doing? I must tell him', –He realized suddenly and ran towards the house.

**Tim's POV.**

Just fucking! I must get out of here, or I swear I'll kill him.

"That's it! – damn this headache, - I hope you'll be happy, - I turned and left.

All I needed was a drink. A ride, a cigarette and a big bottle of alcohol. Anything to forget.

So I rode. I found some bar. Almost empty, almost quiet. Like my mind. First was a shot of whiskey. It almost made me vomit. I asked something without taste. The bartender gave me vodka. That felt better.

I sat there and felt nothing. I finished the half of the bottle, when my phone rang. I looked at the number. That was HIM. " Fuck you!" – I yelled at that damned phone and threw it away. It rang and rang and rang. I wanted to find it and break it. I realized that I was drunk. Terribly drunk. I knew if I tried to walk, I would end up lying on the floor. So I sat there and listened to that damned phone. The bartender gave me a sympathetic look. A good man. After finishing the firstbottle I found my phone near my elbow, it had stopped ringing. That was good.

When I asked for the second bottle the bartender asked if I needed a taxi. I didn't think he was a good man any more. I wanted to strike him. To strike anyone.

I grabbed his collar pulled him close and put some money in his pocket. "Give me another bottle or I'll turn your lovely bar into a crime scene" – God, I didn't know I can be so dreadful. And it worked. Yes actually it worked 'cause I was given another bottle. I knew that I would feel like shit in a couple of hours but I didn't care. No one care. Especially that particular person. FUCK you Horatio, I can't get rid of you!

Then I heard: "Honey, what have you done with yourself. Let's go home".

"Alexx, what ya doin' here?"

"I came to take you home, come on baby".

No I didn't want to go home. I didn't remember, but I definitely said something insulting to her and she left me alone. Alone! I am alone all my life, yeah, I should have got used to it.

No, she didn't leave me alone. I felt someone's hand on my shoulder. So I tried to shake it off. But instead I lost my balance and… fell down. Then I remembered being dragged somewhere. Then I threw up couple of times. I had a strange feeling as if the sky and the earth decided to dance a jig or something. I felt disgusting, very disgusting. Both physically and morally. I felt so sad, so bad. So I cried. I am an adult, a mature person. And I cried like some five - year – old boy, who was treated badly and who ran to his mummy looking for comfort.

I want to mummy! I want to mummy! I rolled with laughter. I couldn't stop. I roared with laughter. Alexx looked at me as if I was crazy. And Eric too. By the way what was he doing there? And where's Calleigh? Ha-ha. Following us with the rest of the lab? My stomach began to ache badly because of the laughter. And at that very moment I was slapped in the face. That was really painful. So painful that I wasn't funny any more. That what that Horatio had done with me.

Oh, it's too late… I loved him. And I can do nothing of it. I need him.

"I HATE HIM" – I burst into tears.

"Honey, what has he done?" – Alexx asked.

Oh, stop it Alexx, I don't need your pity. Leave me alone. "Leave me alone".

**Horatio's POV**

I tried his mobile phone. Then I called up his house.But he didn't pick up. Of course, what did you expect? That you would call him and he ran back to you? I called him thousands of times. Then thousand more times. I guessed he ran out of tape on his voice mail. And I phoned and I phoned and begged him to answer. I became panic-stricken. I was afraid that something terrible happened to him. A road accident may be? I shouldn't have let him go alone on his bike. I swear if something happens…

Stop this babbling, you idiot! You should have gone to his home agesago. You must find him.

I rush across Miami caring about nothing but Speed.

Nobody opened the door. His apartment was empty. There wasn't his motorcycle at the underground garage. Where could he go? Where? Think, Horatio, think! You are CSI, god damn it. You are his friend, his lover! You know him! You know him. Alexx. That's right. Alexx. She would help.

So I rode to another part of the city, to some of its suburbs where Alexx and her family lived. Her husband told me that somebody had called her and she'd left. He looked at me somewhat strangely. What next? Eric. And again I was flying across the city breaking all the possible and impossible road rules.

I knocked at the front door of Eric's house. Alexx opened the door, but before I could open my mouth she hit me. That meant only one thing. She knew what had happened and she knew where Tim was.

"Alexx, please let me explain".

"You better hurry up, or Eric will take care of you", – Alexx hissed. I had never seen her so mad, and that actually scared me.

"Is Tim all right?"

"Not really", – Alexx folded her armsand looked at me with expectantly. It took me almost half a minute to collect my thoughts and the courage to talk:

"Sorry Alexx, but I need to talk to Speed".

"Do you know what I've experienced for the last couple of hours? Do you know what state he is in? You know that his organism react to alcohol badly. And there is plenty of it in his body".

"I don't know what to say…"

"But I know what. He won't talk to me, but you WILL! Tell me what the hell has happened between you two, just mentioning you provokes hysterics".

"Hysterics? I just said I was going to marry and…"

"You just said you were leaving him. By the way when he was ten his father left the family. When he was fifteen his mother committed a suicide. When he was nineteen his best friend was killed. And now you are leaving him. Obviously that leads to some trauma and emotional break down. Well done Horatio.

**Alexx's POV.**

It was rather late when my mobile phone rang. I saw Tim's number and answered it. I heard the voice, but wasn't of Tim.

"Sorry for the late call, but… I'm the bartender of the "Come and get it" bar. You name was the first in the list so I called you…"

"Is Tim all right?"

"Who? Ah, I actually don't know his name, but I know he is not all right. He is desperately drunk and it looks like he is not going to stop. Can you just come and take him home?"

"But what's the matter with him?" – Alexx asked herself rather than the bartender, but he answered:

"As far as I understood he had a fight with some H, because he mumbles something about the revenge and all that stuff all the time. And that H keeps calling him, but he tossed his phone. And I picked it up to call someone who can take care of him. Can you?"

"Yes, I can. Thank you for calling. Tell me where to come".

I drove along the streets to pick up Tim and planned what I was going to do with "some H". I called Eric for help, because I knew I wouldn't be able to cope with drunken Tim alone.

When I entered the bar I saw Tim leaning over the counter. I stepped up to him and saw that he was awfully pale. I asked the bartender how much he had drunk. I was terrified when I heard the answer. He would definitely kill himself. That was a miracle that he still was sitting and not lying on the floor unconscious. I started to speak to him:

"Honey, what have you done with yourself. Let's go home".

"Alexx, what ya doin' here?" – He moved his tongue with difficulty.

"I came to take you home, come on baby".

"I do not wanna go home. Go and baby sit your own kids. Just leave me alone!"

I wasn't surprised. I doubted I could talk him to go with me. He was on the verge. And for the first day in my life I didn't know what to do. Any other day I could simply call Horatio. But that day that was not the way out. To my immense relief Eric arrived.

"Eric I don't know what to do. We've got to take him. He's drunk a lot and I'm afraid this time".

"Yeah, I know. I remember we nearly called an ambulance at the Christmas party last year", - Eric grinned. He hadn't realized the seriousness of the situation.

"Do you remember how much he drank that time?" – I asked him.

"Something like a bottle of Scotch", – Eric rubbed his neck.

"The bartender says he is finishing the secondbottle of vodka", - I wanted Eric to fully understandthat this was not funny.

"That's really bad. I'll try to talk to him", – Eric came up to Tim and put his hand on Tim's shoulder. The latter tried to shed it off, but he lost his balance and fell down on the floor. Eric and I jumped helping him raise to his feet. I thought things must have been really bad because he didn't resist. We took him into my car. We had to stop several times because Tim threw up heavily. First Tim just murmured something, then suddenly started shaking and … burst into tears. He just sat there and cried. Eric tried to say something to calm him down, but Tim didn't hear us. Then it came even worse, because his tears turned into laughter. He roared with laughter. Eric and I looked at each other. At that moment we were truly scared. And he laughed and laughed. He could not stop. I didn't know what else I could do so I slapped in his face. He stopped laughing at once. He looked at me with his empty eyes not seeing me.

"I HATE HIM", – he cried out unexpectedly and burst into tears again. "Honey, what has he done?" – I asked. He eyed me mistrustfully and saying "Leave me alone" turned away to the window. We heard nothing from him since.

We gotto Eric's place. Tim couldn't walk by himself; we had to drag him into the house. He was so pale. He was shivering, heavily perspiring and he felt sick all the time. After another visit to the bathroom we put him into the bed. He fell asleep gradually. I knew that he would wake up in a few hours having terrible headache and feeling weak. I was explaining to Eric what he would have to do in the morning to help Tim, when we heard the knock at the door.

"I know who it is for certain", - I told Eric to look after Timmy and went to open the door. I saw his guilty face and couldn't resist slapping him. Well, my hand would hurt in the morning.

Horatio tried to explain, but when I heard the reason… All I wanted was to knock him down. All that Tim had had in his life were losses. Everyone he trusted, everyone he loved had left him for various reasons. The key word – left. Horatio tried to persuade me, but I didn't want to see him. I just closed the door.

Half an hour later I was heading home. When I left Eric's house I saw Horatio sitting on the porch. His eyes were red and swollen. He looked at me and I saw such bitterness in his eyes. My heart ached. I sat down next to Horatio and said with a sigh: "He is asleep now. He is drunk and he is going to have a nasty hangover when he wakes up. He will be in a bad mood. I think you know what it is – Tim in a bad mood. My advice, Horatio, go home and have a good sleep. Come back in 12 hours when Timmy sleeps off his drunkenness and Eric calms down". I tapped on his shoulder in sympathy and went towards my car. I heard a weak "Thank you, Alexx". I didn't look back. I just went home.

**Next day.**

Tim slowly turned on his side. He felt terrible. The hits of fever alternated with chills. His head hurt, all his joints hurt, all his muscles hurt, his whole body hurt. It was painful even to breath. If only that was enough. He hated himself for his behavior the previous day. He remembered a little, but that little was enough to despise him. He had already apologized to Eric. But Eric's his friend and good-natured man, so he had forgiven Tim. He said there was nothing to apologize for. But the real shame was his treatment of Alexx.

By the afternoon Tim felt better to go to the bathroom by himself. Then "he" came. First Tim heard rather heated conversation in the living room, but he was too busy with self-reproach to recognize the voices. So when the door opened and Horatio came in, all that Tim could do was to cover himself with the blanket and muttered "Oh, fuck".

"How do you feel, Tim?"

"How do _you_ think?" – the muted voice was heard from under the blanket.

"I… yesterday I realized something…" - Horatio signed. Tim felt Horatio sit on the edge of the bed.

"I was wrong", – continued Horatio.

"Of course, you were wrong".

A light smile touched Horatio's lips.

"I know you, Tim".

"Nah, you don't even know if my parents are still alive".

"Yeah, I don't know anything about your childhood, your relatives and friends, except Alexx, Eric and Calleigh. But I know you as a person. Isn't that more important?"

Tim was silent. So Horatio continued:

"I know you as a friend. I can tell you everything and you will listen and understand. I… can trust you. I love you, Tim. You are my family and I need no one. Just you".

"And what about kids?"

"Adoption".

Tim removed the blanket from his head. But still he didn't look at Horatio.

"I don't know, H. You hurt me. How can I be sure that won't happen again?"

"Believe me I…"

"That's not so easy", – Tim looked at Horatio with regret. H slightly panicked:

"What can I do for you to be forgiven? I swear I'll do anything you want!"

"Anything I want?"

"Anything!... No, wait… I' m not wearing that stupid thong with elephant's trunk".

"What?" – Speed began to laugh – "I was just kidding. No. I want you to promise me something. Promise me that you'll never leave me. Promise that".

"I swear I'll always be with you. I love you and I am not leaving you".

Tim smiled and took Horatio's hand.

"I'll try to believe you. Just give me some time, okay?"

Horatio bowed his head: "I'll wait".

"Good, because right now I think I should sleep for awhile".

"May I?" – Horatio moved forward slightly and looked at Tim in expectation. Tim frowned a little but nodded. Horatio gently kissed Tim's forehead. Tim closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Horatio ran his hand through Tim's hair and went out the room quietly. He knew he wouldn't be lonely anymore. And Tim knew that too.


End file.
